Kabod Online – Let me save you some time

Update: Kabod Online is no longer, well… online. I’m sure it had its fans, but I stand by my statements that it was mediocre on its best days.

I play a pretty good amount of free to play MMORPGs and I have a pretty good idea of what I like and what I think works. Kabod Online has got to be one of the most hilariously bad examples of the genre I have ever come across. Perhaps hilarious isn’t the right word. Disturbing may be closer to accurate. Kabod manages to hit the very lowest point of gaming and then gets out a shovel to see how much farther down it can go. I do not, in any way, suggest that you spend time on this game. I have done enough of that for you. Even the game’s designers know that it’s not fun and have made appropriate arrangements. Have an uncomfortable laugh at my experience and consider the matter good and done.

 Okay, so what is it?

Kabod Online is a F2P MMORPG that comes to us from Korea and is apparently meant to be an “adult” MMO. The game was in beta in 2010 and has had plenty of time to find its footing among gamers tired of the mainstream MMORPG scene. However, its antiquated graphics, bad localization, terrible quest stories, and lamentable gameplay have left it festering in the darkest corners of the net where only those seeking out F2P games that they’ve never heard of are likely to find it. The game is so bad that you’re not actually expected to really spend time playing it while you play it, but I’ll get to more on that later. The music (which I muted after a few sessions) sounds like something out of an old SNES fantasy game. It lacks aspects that might be considered fundamental to modern MMORPGs like an auction house or even the ability to change key bindings. It does, however, excel in the field of hiding armor. Unlike SWTOR, which charges for the privilege of hiding helmet graphics, Kabod Online lets you hide all of your armor if you wish to feel that scuzzy.  The most redeeming quality of Kabod is that it managed to consistently surprise me with the depths of its awfulness.

Can it really be as bad as all that?

If only they had access to a word processor.

If only they had access to a word processor.

Let’s just put the main selling factor of the game out here right now. The game is designed to showcase virtual T&A as much as possible. All female characters have outrageous breasts that are barely covered and enjoy wearing as little clothing as possible. You had better like the look of the armor since you’ll spend the first 20 levels in palette swapped versions of the same design. Skimpy armor wasn’t nearly enough though. Like any good (read bad) anime girls, your characters fall prey to the game’s armor damage system. After losing about 10% of the durability in your body slot armor, it will start to show wear in the form of a few missing chunks. By the time it’s reduced to 70%, your armor is completely shredded. Level 20 and higher armor on female characters will completely bare their chests at this point. Don’t worry though, enemies also suffer from armor damage and you’ll have plenty of large-breasted NPC creatures to beat up. For a quick example of just how low the game gets, when you kill a sayakah (think succubus complete with whip), not only do you leave them completely topless on the ground, there’s a good chance that you’ll loot their underwear. Great, now my bag is full of panties from dead succubi. Good thing the merchants pay top coin for used demon panties.

Now that the gratuitous sexual material that makes the game “adult” is out of the way, we can look at the quest system. Let me say that I get that this is a Korean made game and that they may not have had the budget for proper localization. That’s fine, but for the love of all that is holy, can someone please explain why the scroll that makes me run faster is a scroll of scud?  Yes, of course the word fits, but that has to be the worst of all possible choices to tell a player that they’ll move along swiftly. Beyond that, I really can’t understand why they don’t have text-wrapping technology. Quest text goes to the end of the box and then starts on the next line and it doesn’t give a crap if it’s in the middle of a word or not.  The quests are an eye-bleeding atrocity that needs to be there to help levels move along. Except that after about level 14, quests will not be enough to push you to the next level. So then what?

Schrodinger’s gameplay

You won't know if your character is alive or dead until you tab back in.

You won’t know if your character is alive or dead until you tab back in.

That’s where the mind-numbing bulk of this game comes in – grinding to your next level in order to get more quests. If you haven’t quit to go play something else by this point in the game, you can just go play another game while this one plays with itself. You see what I did there? Kabod actually has built-in botting by way of the auto hunt system. Monsters randomly drop hunting stones that, when used, each provides 10 minutes of auto hunting where your character will automatically target, fight, loot, then repeat. The game is so unreasonably boring that they don’t even expect you to play it while you’re playing it. In fact, if you’re having trouble reading the bloody color-coded map to figure out where you need to go for a quest, you can always click on go to quest. You will automatically walk to the thing you need to fight. You can then auto hunt while you go get a sandwich. When you’re done with the quest, simply use an auto return scroll and make your way back to the reward point. Health and mana potions can be set to be consumed if your health and mana drop below a particular threshold. You barely need to do anything.

Consider yourself warned

Sure, you can argue that this is a fantasy game and people are using it to escape from their normal lives, but I am appalled that people would fantasize about this. At this point, I’m just going to skip over the gambling system which is basically a weird enchant mechanism through which you can easily have your gear destroyed. PVP? Didn’t even touch it. Characters have a whole 5 abilities to choose from by end game. I’m likewise not getting into the pet system which involves finding female humanoid characters and beating them into submission to “tame” them. After that, you dress them in a school girl outfit and can command them to make out with you. Seriously, just stay as far from this game as you can. I have written this entire article while my character has been auto hunting. If you waste your time on this poor excuse for a game, don’t blame me, you have been warned.